I wrote this for our school paper. Those of you who either go to Corban or a similar Christian college will understand. And if you don't go to a school like that, just imagine a huge church singles group.

Thirteen Proposals

WARNING: The words you are about to read may contain material that is bothersome to those with a weak sense of humor or a tendency to misunderstand an author's intent. Persons with these conditions are advised to skip ahead to the next (much more sensible) article. All names mentioned in this article are actually held in the highest regard by the writer. Thank you for reading and enjoy.

"Western Baptist Bridal College" . . . "Courtin' College" (or "Court 'n' College") – "Ring by spring or your money back!" Yes, yes, we've all heard these. And we know it's true in many ways. Just look around you – the flowers are blooming, the birds are singing, and the two-person benches around campus are more frequently occupied. It happens every year. For some, this is jolly good fun. For others, it is the source of neverending frustration. Students claim that they cannot even walk with someone of the opposite sex without being asked if they're engaged. Guys and girls are afraid to go to school formals as mere friends, because by the end of it they will be a "couple" and not even know it. And anyone going out with the same person at least twice needs to be aware that they are getting married next summer. Not a week goes by that I don't hear at least one complaint like these about our romantic atmosphere. Therefore, I have drawn up a set of thirteen proposals to cut down on our agony.  

1. Fire Dr. Trammell.
2. Replace all "love benches" around campus with small single chairs, nailed down at least five feet apart.
3. Install a 24-hour watch in Common Grounds.
4. Create a system where all freshmen wishing to date must fill out an application, write a five-page essay, and submit to an interview.
5. Stipulate that all dates to be chaperoned by at least one Corban faculty member (NOT Dr. Trammell).
6. Change the Chivalry Dinner to an all-school bowling night.
7. Change the Winter Formal to an all-school ping pong tournament.
8. Outlaw Roomies. Physical contact of any kind could be dangerous.
9. Replace all shady grassy places (you know, the ones good for "studying") with prickly Astroturf.
10. Require a rigorous physical test for all boys desiring to enter the lobbies of Aagard and Balyo.
11. Require a quota of seven hand-knitted scarves for all girls desiring to enter the lobbies of Farrar and Davidson.
12. Build a tall divider in the middle of PVG, one that closely resembles the walls in jails with the windows and the phones.
13. Impose a tax on all romantic gifts, including flowers, chocolates, stuffed animals, and diamond rings – payable directly to Dr. Reno Hoff.

It is my belief that implementing these rules will create a more relaxed, casual atmosphere on our campus. With these much-needed restrictions in place, students will not have to worry about socializing with the opposite sex. And within these boundaries, we will be free to lead our own Platonic love lives.